Hunter green, four doors
used to be mom’s work car
But was gifted to you at 17
So you could take care of all the driving
you’d need for your senior year.
speaker system and amp installed
by your brother and his friend
who loved sitting in the front seat
screaming at the top of his lungs
and punching the windshield
until it finally cracked
spreading over the front like a spiderweb
remaining there until the day it gets traded in.
he swears he’d replace it
but it never seems to happen and
the cracks grow minutely like the resentment
towards him as you watch
him and your brother eat stacker 3 like candy
and dupe you into taking them into Westerville
for shoplifting marathons at Meijer
where you get called by the store’s loss prevention
and you in turn call your grandmother
beg her not to tell your mother
because you know that somehow,
even though you were working across the street
it’s going to be your fault.
five seatbelts, but
if you took the backseats down
room for nine with two in the trunk
for trips to Columbus
to watch the Rocky Horror Picture Show
on the first and third Saturday of every month,
pizza at Hounddog’s after
home by 4 AM before mom gets home.
as you tell your friends about it
the redneck in class asks you
if your brother is a faggot
because only faggots would go
to a show like that
and you get into a physical confrontation
because you’ve had enough of his mouth
and while you accept that they call you a dyke
fat stupid white trash whore
you draw the line somewhere
because while your life is fated to end up
as a single mother in a singlewide trailer
with dodgy plumbing
he still has potential, and you know how damaging
this type of pigeon-holing can be.
air conditioning works, but barely
your favorite part is rolling the windows down
and blasting whatever is playing on the alternative station
while you drive down I-71 heading towards
the Hilltop or Old Town or maybe even German Village
because it hasn’t been gentrified yet
and it’s still grungy enough
that anyone who might care
is doing things worse
than a bunch of white kids
rolling to techno at a warehouse party.
Eventually, you realize that your favorite part of
every weekend is the 45 minutes into
the city, seeing the lights of it as the sun starts sinking
and you know that you can drive yourself away
from the trailer park, From the rednecks
and make a new identity for yourself
one where you get to dictate the terms of your life
trying to see where reality threads in with whatever YA book
or modest mouse song
you happen to be shaping your life after
wondering if you’d ever be brave enough to do the things
you’ve dreamed about every night
while you were washing off your legs,
applying Neosporin and bandages.
no one really minded me
as a friend
until i stopped calling myself
and started calling myself
by my name
i’ll never tell you, my darling
i don’t think i should —
is it fair of me to put the pressure on you?
i don’t think so.
i don’t think you’d be happy to know
simply by your being here
(with your sticky hands
and your gummy smile
and your unruly curls)
you have saved my life every day
the habit i’ve hidden for 23 years
i am finally able to stop
because how can i mar the skin
that now covers you?
still hearing voices but
i start ignoring them now
because how can i believe lies
when i owe you the truth?
still chanting mantras
because how can i speak cruelty
when i owe you mercy?
so much pressure
for such a little love
but you don’t need to do anything
and when you find this when you’re older
know it doesn’t change anything —
you simply are the buoy
i never knew existed.
of all purpose i could have
it’s an honor to be the dark ocean
that keeps you afloat.
Do you want no hallucinations
or to be thin?
Because you can't have both.
Don't put your feet in your diaper.
Don't eat electrical wires.
You can't push through solid wood; you aren't a x-man.
Paper napkins aren't for eating.
Gummy worms aren't really made from worms.
You can't say the word pussy, even if the President said it.
Nazis are bad.
They hate us because we are Jewish.
A kike is a bad word for Jews; I don't know why that man yelled it at me.
It's just not safe for me to wear my Star necklace around here anymore.
Fuck you fat bitch.”
Wearing my brand new
Minnie Mouse sweatshirt,
I desperately pretend
Not to hear them say things
“just so you know
D—– just hawked a loogie
All over your back.”
How do you tell the secretary
You need to go home
Not because of illness
Because of humiliation?
To hands around my neck
“I just watched an episode
And it said I could kill you
But it would be impossible
To prove it was murder like this.”
With my daughter
Who was desperate enough
To fuck you?
Fuck you, fat bitch”
it’s been a month.
i’ve never gone this long without talking to you.
i had to remove your name from the family group updates for lily
because your phone is no longer in service.
i have to resave your last voicemail to me
because fucking tmobile thinks that i want it gone.
i had to stop getting updates from your name
because everyone has a story about you and needs to tell it.
i can’t bring myself to call granma
because your voice is still on the answering machine
how stupid was i to think that
when i broke up with my
high school boyfriend
that I knew what loss and heartbreak felt like.
nothing compares to this.
i miss you so much.
i just hope that
XXX XXXX XX XXX
how to change speeds on a ten speed bike
how to pick myself up again when i fall and scrape my knees
how to be happy with the little things
how to identify the birds of North America
how to tell how much rain fell overnight
how to enjoy western movies
how to handle mom when she was in a bad mood
how to eat cherry garcia ice cream
how to trace my genealogy
how to tell a boy to fuck off
how to pick up the pieces when he did
how to move past high school rivalries
how to dribble a basketball, throw a softball, catch a football
how to love unconditionally
how to be infinitely patient
how to really forgive
how to really forget
how to deal with disappointment
how to view mistakes as lessons and
how to move on
but you never taught me
how to say goodbye to you –
so I won’t.
I’ll just say what we always say:
see ya soon.